Day 91

disclaimer: this post is a slightly senseless ramble.  

but it is, i think, also a tangible truth of this moment in my life. 

i'll write with honesty and you read with openness.

we owe each other at least that, don't you agree?

What follows is a but a brief moment in a lengthy conversation spanning many topics; a blink of passing interest, likely forgotten by the party on the other end of the line.

It is also perhaps the most stirringly honest and vulnerable thing I have uttered out loud in a long while.  

SELF: He drives me crazy! Don't tell me he didn't know about ____ until ten minutes ago - it was right there on paper last month!

FRIEND: Honey, you have got to ease up and cut this guy some slack.

SELF: I can't do that.

       If I do I'll fall in love with him.

A month ago I didn't know this man existed. Three weeks ago, I learned his name for the first time. Ten days ago I shook his hand and memorized (against the will of every sane bone in my body) the icy blue of his eyes and the way my head barely passed his shoulders when we stood side-by-side.

My mind can't stand the thought of him. 

But my  mind is frequently betrayed when my stomach flutters suspiciously at the sound of his voice and the sight of his smile.

I hate it. I am trying hard to hate him. 

I am failing.

Once many, many years ago, I read a line in a story that has stuck with me over all this time, safely filed away in the deep recesses of my memory right next to half the script from Titanic and the theme song to Brotherly Love. 

In a fit of frustration a man whispers to his lost companion:

I can't decide if I want to strangle you with my bare hands,

or kiss you until you can't breath.

I'm am only just now beginning to realize what that feeling is. 


And it scares me.