Day 220

Since I was a young child, I have counted among my most constant companions a smattering of freckles that dot the bridge of my nose, easing lazily down to pool across my cheekbones. 

On the best of days I like to think of these as sun kisses, and I treasure them as a point of pride at my body’s unique reaction to the elements, as if all the light and energy in the world gathered together and gently dusted my pale skin with proof of our fond encounters. 

However there are other days, just as frequent in occurrence, where I curse the rosy flecks for their indecisiveness; too pale to be distinct but too prominent to be entirely ignored or masked. It has always come as a surprise to me how some notice the happy marks with immediate interest, even glee, while others, occasionally long time friends, can look upon my countenance as if for the first time and note with astonishment the offending flaws.  

While I alone am generally content with the freckles, I find myself, however unconsciously, trying my best to blend them as one solid, flawless mask; a façade of blemish-free perfection. In the rare event that someone takes note of my “blemishes”, they become honorary members of an exclusive club made up of those who have viewed me in my most natural, vulnerable and relaxed state – a world of fresh-faced, barefooted wonder. 

I have found that my face is not the only part of me that is freckled. My heart, too, is marked with loving signs of exposure to the elements of a life of trials and unpleasant realities. And yet, just as with my physical presentation, these flaws are generally concealed in an attempt to maintain an illusion of perfection and imperviousness. 

The reason I bring this all up has to do with perception. I know that I am constantly aware of my freckles, but I also know that some are completely ignorant to their existence. I know the woman I see when I look in the mirror, the reflection I perceive, but I am not unaware that others may view a very different person. 

So here is my reflection. What I see in me. 

Six weeks ago, I started summer term with the best of intentions, big plans and all kinds of enthusiasm, and when I got dressed each morning, I made up not only my face, but also my personality in hopes of being the type of composed individual I had admired so in my past role models.  Six weeks ago, what I really felt was flawed and full of a false bravado I couldn’t quite muster the energy to match. Six weeks ago I measured my contributions to the world based on their apparent parallels to fine porcelain; that is smooth, flawless and bright – on a scale of one to ten, of course.

    

And somewhere in between then and now, someone I trusted told me with a unique blend of reluctance and resolve that I wasn’t perfect enough for them. And for a moment - just a moment - it broke my heart. 

But like Hemingway wrote, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” I like that. It reminds me of the way that the Japanese mend cracks with gold; they believe the break provides the beauty. 

It also makes me think of the Chinese character for crisis and how it is made up of the elements for both danger and opportunity.

I chose an opportunity. 

An opportunity to feel closer to God than I have in years. 

An opportunity to empathize more sincerely, to serve more fervently and love more completely. 

An opportunity to strive towards completion rather than perfection.

An opportunity to love me because I could remember what it meant to love others more.

 

And now here we are at today, this very moment. And here I sit finally able to realize that it is more important to have an attitude of discovery than of perfection.

We all have our freckles, but when we come to acknowledge and embrace them, I have found that we can teach each other all kinds of things. I have learned to listen to more than what my mind wants to hear. I have learned that I am still learning. I have learned that I can do anything, but that I can't do everything. 

And I don’t have to.

I have come to recognize that perfection is completion and that no one is ever fully complete without the aid of the Savior - and even then it takes a lifetime. 

Knowing this makes it a little easier to accept that despite today's struggles, there is always tomorrow, and that no matter what hardships I face the sun will always rise in the morning, the light will always chase the dark. 

Life is inexpressibly worth living. 

Freckles and all.